Transactions

So I don't think I've ever made a secret of the fact that I've spent time on a pscychologist's couch. I've also seen an otolaryngologist and a myotherapist.

One of the things we talked about was relationships. It seemed that I was, actually, doing it wrong. That I needed to start acting in a more transactional manner; I do this for you, you do that for me. If you stop doing things then I do too. That I should ask you to do things for me that it's easier to do myself just to keep the scales balanced.

This seemed, to me, so cold. But I can be good at following instructions, if I choose to be. So I did. Instead of feeling cared for and respected I felt nothing. Then I felt disgust.

I tried again. And the only thing that grew from those initial good feelings was the opposite.

And again. Nothing.

Now, after one more conversation, I think I understand. There is only one transaction. The rest is putting up with your demands and your crap whilst occasionally picking a fight to make you feel that I'm not. Then, one day, if I'm lucky, you might be generous enough to 'give me a baby'.

Those exact words. "I don't know what she gets out of it but one day I'll give her a baby"

It's nice to know my 'choices'.