go look at this

this

seriously.

it's nice

to like things.

i like a lot of things. here are a few:

• i LOVElovelove my Lolacat.
• i like friends. the forever kind, the shiny new ones, the drop in for tea ones, the internet never see but it doesn't matter kind.
• i like fabric.
• i like vintage buttons.
• i like to make things. starting with nothings and ending up with somethings.
• i like learning things.
• i like babies.
• i like to go to new and 'other' places.
• i like my family: mum, dad, sister, brother and nanna.
• i like music and art.
• i like the weather when it is warm.
• i like to give and/or make presents to/for people i like.
• i like to be helpful and kind.
• i like me.
• i like it when a facebook status update sparks a funny conversation.
• i like it when friends meet friends and they start up an independent friendship.
• i like seeing my friends do well.

and a whole bunch more!

What do you like?

i want

to be as carefree as i used to be.

Sometimes

i long to have a home on the web where i can talk about, well, myself.

i call this space a temporary home because i am temporarily 'home'. 34 and shacked up with my parents again. though their home is not the house in which i grew up, it is only a scant few hundred metres away.

i moved there some nine months ago now. in desperation. as a way to remove someone from my life. someone who spent eighteen months grinding me into the ground as a way to make himself feel big and/or better. blaming me for his own inadequacies. he said he would leave over and over again when i told him to. but he would not leave. and he would tell me over and over again that i was being passive aggressive, that when i told him i was angry about something he had done that i didn't know my own motivations and i was angry about something else.

something else that he, in his defensiveness, would never let me move past. it was a way to control me. everytime i made progress he would pull it out and torment me again and again and again. and i would tell him no, and i don't care if you think those things, but out of respect please don't say them in front of me. and he would tell me that honesty was more important than my feelings. that is, of course, until i would say exactly what i thought. at that point it became 'cruelty' and i had no right to say such things.

so i left.

and i got worse before i got better. i shed half of my old life because leaving ones abuser generally means losing most 'mutual friends' because they don't want to choose. not even for an evening. because you tell them that if he is there that you wont be so they stop inviting you. a few of those i am sorry about. but hey. those friends come and they go.

i am surrounded by those friends who were there before and will be there forever. I have purposefully strengthened my ties with a few who were in the peripheral before.

and now that i am better, i feel my life is on pause. i need a home of my own again. somewhere for me and lola. i toss up whether to share or to just live by ourselves. whether to find a shop with a dwelling or a house with space i can set up my sewing equipment permanently. it doesn't work to have to open it up and pack it up every thime i need it. i miss my cutting table, knocked together by a dear, dear old friend. one of the forever type.

i consider how to plan financially for the future. how to work and sew and travel. how to start anew and make the life i want can have. without reference to anyone else.