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The world whirls past. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower.

Right now, time stands still for me.

My feet are stuck to the floor. It's not the floor's fault, I've lost the muscle memory that allows movement.

My legs petrified as the dark and crusted emptiness inside.


*******************

Things are not so bad. I knit, I read, I make. I love my friends and I want to tell them the real answers when they ask. But I know those answers aren't real. They just feel that way. The real answer is that my life is good. I have people who I love and who love me back. I sleep nightly with a much loved furry being who is more family than most of the human kin. I work. I play. And on occasion, I fuck and I'm good at it. (so I am told. A shallow vanity that pleases me.) I remind myself that life is good, that I have what I can have and there is no use allowing the rest to eat me up from the inside.

Things other people like

In this life there are things that other people like and you do not.

I'm not talking about the rough and tumble some people like this and some people don't. I'm talking about things that, when you mention your dislike people stare at you like you are from another planet and invariably tell you the you are wrong and "if only you had it the way I cook it/explain it/etc." that you would see the light and be enveloped in the rightness, the way things must be.

Here are a few of my things

• avocado
• tomato juice and consequently bloody maries
• tarantino movies
• oysters
• The Red Hot cunting Chilli Peppers.

warning: emo post

For the first time in about 6 months I woke up this morning with tears running down my face. For a while there it was just about every morning. So that's progress. And I've come off the medication since then, too.

I have felt it coming on for a few days.

I think I know the reason for it too. I've had a number of conversations in the past week where people close to me have talked about finding me a boyfriend. And you know what? I just can't put myself through that. I've worked extremely hard at regaining equilibrium and I am not going to chuck that out the window. And no, it's not "the type of men" I have been involved with (in general), it's me.

You see, I am not good in relationships. If I am myself I end up depressed. If I behave in such a way that I don't end up depressed, I wind up despising him. So it's best for me to stay unattached.

Which is something that eats away at me as I want, very, very much, to have children. And as I am soon to turn 35 I have to accept that this will not happen. It's something to keep locked the trunk at the back of my head where I keep the things that never stop hurting but I have to just ignore whilst I get on with my life. A trunk that's been rattling this week.

The end.